I was madly irked yesterday to come across this in a report in The Times on classism at Oxbridge (surprise surprise NOT, surely, that is where one would expect to find it in its native haunts?):
'being offered “lessons in manners” after picking up the wrong spoon at a formal college dinner.'
a) I do not think deployment of cutlery comes under the heading of 'manners', unless, as in, was it The Lion in Winter or some forgotten Arthurian epic, somebody takes these here newfangled forks to be instruments of assassination. Or maybe starts flicking soup across the table with improvised spoon trebuchets. Providing that we're at the Norbert Elias Civilising Process stage of using cutlery rather than our fingers, anyway.
Wot do they even teach them at Oxbridge these days, eh?
b) Okay, people do weaponise manners, but essentially, manners are supposed to be about making people feel comfortable and at ease, and if you're picking on somebody for not knowing some niche culturally-specific rule relating to spoons, that is Bad Manners and RUDE.
Cite here to Cardinal Newman on The Gentleman:
The true gentleman in like manner carefully avoids whatever may cause a jar or a jolt in the minds of those with whom he is cast — all clashing of opinion, or collision of feeling, all restraint, or suspicion, or gloom, or resentment; his great concern being to make every one at his ease and at home.
And a story that I was told in childhood about Queen Victoria, which when I look it up, has also been ascribed to QEII and now to His current Maj, about seeing a guest, unacquainted with fingerbowls, drink from theirs, and doing the same, so as not to show them up.
So I am pretty sure this is Totally Apocryphal, or else it was actually done by somebody who Was Not Queen V or even royal, but it is a story about Proper Behaviour.
GB Stern - not sure whether this is in her 'rag-bag chronicles' or one of the novels or maybe even both - mentions Mittel-European landowner lady who, when dining her tenants, deliberately spills glass of wine on the tablecloth herself, right at the beginning of the meal, to set them at ease.