Reading List | Adventures with Kake

conuly posting in

DEAR ABBY: My 40-year-old daughter is on weight-loss injections and a no-sugar diet. I offered to bake her a sugar-free cheesecake, and she agreed, but she asked me to make a "tester" cake three days before. I explained that the cake has a lengthy preparation process, involving a very slow bake in a water bath and 12 hours chill time. I suggested she wait, but she insisted, so I made it early. She cut a slice of it and exclaimed how great it tasted.

Three days later, I baked and decorated a carrot cake to use as her "official" birthday cake, since the sugar-free cake had been cut and wouldn't look nice in photos. (Carrot is her children's favorite.) I hosted everyone at an expensive restaurant, gave her French perfume and a weekend getaway.

When we returned from the dinner, my daughter angrily said, "Get in here so we can cut this stupid cake, which I can't eat!" I was shocked and confused. She said I shouldn't have made a cake of a flavor she dislikes, but I pointed out that she had the sugar-free cake, too. Apparently, she had expected me to bake a second sugar-free cheesecake. I chewed her out for being ungrateful. Was I wrong? -- UNAPPRECIATED IN CALIFORNIA

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conuly posting in

agonyaunt

Dear Annie: I'm 63 years old, and I live alone in a quiet little house with my dog, Rosie. I like to sit on the porch in the evenings and watch the sun go down, but lately the silence feels heavier than it used to.

My daughter, who is in her 30s, moved to Texas with her husband about a year ago -- and since then, she hasn't spoken to me. Not a text, not a call, not even a holiday card. I send messages, reach out on birthdays, even mailed her a little photo of Rosie wearing a birthday hat.

I know there's something from her childhood that she's struggling with. Something painful that she believes I didn't protect her from. And the truth is, maybe I didn't. Her father died 26 years ago, and we were both trying to survive the grief in our own ways. I was overwhelmed and didn't always see what was right in front of me. I've tried to say I'm sorry, in words and gestures, but she's built a wall I haven't been able to get through.

Some days, I want to get in the car and drive the 800 miles just to knock on her door and see her face. Other days, I wonder if I should just give up and let her have the distance she clearly wants.

How does a mother keep loving her child from afar when the door has been shut so firmly? Is there anything I can do to open it again -- or do I have to learn to live with the silence? -- Grieving But Still Reaching Out

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ysobel posting in

agonyaunt

Dear Miss Manners: After several decades of typing on keyboards, I have lost my ability to write nicely by hand. My solution is to send electronic notes — for expressing appreciation, recognizing significant events, etc.

There are several lovely e-card forms available. Using them results in more timely responses, as well as significant savings over printed cards and postage.

I feel it would be nice if Miss Manners would acknowledge that electronic thank-yous are as valid as handwritten in today’s communication environment. Any thank-you is better than no thank-you at all.

Sorry, but you will have to snatch the fountain pen out of Miss Manners’ cold, lifeless hand before she agrees that electronic messages are as meaningful as handwritten ones.

She will concede, however, that any response is better than no response (has it really come to this?) as long as the sentiment itself is not computer-generated. “Thank you for the (insert present) that you gave me. It was very special and/or significant” is not fooling anyone.

As for your argument about saving money? Miss Manners highly doubts that the dozen or so letters you write annually is anywhere near the equivalent cost of the computer that you no doubt replace every few years.

[WaPo link]

conuly posting in

agonyaunt

Link

1. Dear Eric: I have three adult children. About three years ago there was an issue, and my oldest, Doug, and middle, Linda, disrespected each other. It wasn't a small issue, but (in my and my wife's opinion) it wasn't a huge offense.

Neither will apologize. They refuse to speak to each other.

We have tried many ways to try and bridge the gap, to no success. I'm not asking for them to kiss and make up. I'm just saying, "Be cordial, be humane to other people in our house."

We host holiday meals, and birthday parties at our house, and this animosity really hurts and makes the dynamics difficult. Even seating at the table needs to be arranged.

Recently, I told my wife, "Only people that are willing to be humane and cordial will be invited to family meals." My wife doesn't want to do that, in part she fears losing access to grandchildren. I said, "Fine, for Easter meals they can be jerks but for Christmas they have to be cordial. I'll just go upstairs because it's too painful to be there. And you can't holler at me for being a jerk, because you don't holler at them for being jerks."

Am I asking too much?

– Stressed Father

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2. Dear Eric: My fiancé and I had to move back into his parents due to the crippling economy. My problem lies with his father. He is fully disabled and stubborn. He has been getting up to use the bathroom, which would be OK if he could do it properly. He can't; he urinates all over the floor.

We have told him multiple times that, due to us having a child in the home, I always end up cleaning it, but I never get reimbursed. I'm seriously considering calling Adult Protective Services on grounds of self-neglect. He will not take showers as well and is a suicide risk. My issue is I want to call but I don't want to be a problem starter in a family that's already called Department of Children and Family Services on me out of pettiness. What would you do?

– In-Law Struggles

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ysabetwordsmith posting in

crowdfunding

Welcome to the 144th Crowdfunding Creative Jam! This session will run Saturday, June 14-Sunday, June 15. The theme is "Good vs. Bad."

Crowdfunding Creative Jam

Everyone is eligible to post prompts, which may be words or phrases, titles, images, etc. Prompters may request a specific creator, but everyone else may still use that prompt if they wish. Prompts may specify a particular character/world/etc. but creators may use the prompt for something else anyway and post the results. Prompters are still encouraged to post mostly prompts that anyone could use anywhere, as this maximizes the chance of having creators make something based on your prompt. Please title your comment "Prompt" or "Prompts" when providing inspiration so these are easy to find.

Prompt responses may also be treated as prompts and used for further inspiration. For example, a prompt may lead to a sketch which leads to a story, and so on. This kind of cascading inspiration is one of the most fun things about a collective jam session.

Everyone is eligible to use prompts, and everyone who wants to use a given prompt may do so, for maximum flexibility of creator choice in inspiration. You do not have to post a "Claim" reply when you decide to use a prompt, but this does help indicate what is going on so that other prompters can spread out their choice of prompts if they wish.

Creators are encouraged, but not required, to post at least one item free. Likewise, sharing a private copy of material with the prompter is encouraged but not required. Creative material resulting from prompts should be indicated in a reply to the prompt, with a link to the full content elsewhere on the creator's site (if desired); a brief excerpt and/or description of the material may be included in the reply (if desired). It helps to title your comment "Prompt Filled" or something like that so these are easy to identify. There is no time limit on responding to prompts. However, creators are encouraged to post replies sooner rather than later, as the attention of prompters will be highest during and shortly after the session.

Some items created from prompts may become available for sponsorship. Some creators may offer perks for donations, linkbacks, or other activity relating to this project. Check creator comments and links for their respective offerings.

Prompters, creators, and bystanders are expected to behave in a responsible and civil manner. If the moderators have to drag someone out of the sandbox for improper behavior, we will not be amused. Please respect other people's territory and intellectual property rights, and only play with someone else's characters/setting/etc. if you have permission. (Fanfic/fanart freebies are okay.) If you want to invite folks to play with something of yours, title the comment something like "Open Playground" so it's easy to spot. This can be a good way to attract new people to a shared world or open-source project, or just have some good non-canon fun.

Boost the signal! The more people who participate, the more fun this will be. Hopefully we'll see activity from a lot of folks who regularly mention their projects in this community, but new people are always welcome. You can link to this session post or to individual items created from prompts, whatever you think is awesome enough to recommend to your friends.

Current Mood: creative

ysabetwordsmith posting in

crowdfunding

A friend tipped me to this campaign: Take Us North is a video game about migrants trying to cross the border into the United States of America. If you're interested and jump fast, you may be able to catch the Early Bird reward in the first 24 hours at $25, after that it jumps to $35 minimum. I backed it because I want to project to exist -- tell ALL the stories, and poke a bigot in the eye!

Take Us North description
A narrative adventure/survival game that follows the journeys of migrants and asylum seekers on their way to cross the US-Mexico border

$6,056 pledged of $30,000 goal
95 backers
29 days to go

🎮 [Early Bird] Take Us North!
$25
Backers 52
Estimated delivery Dec 2026
🚨FIRST 24 HOURS DISCOUNT!🚨 Receive a digital copy of Take Us North (PC/Steam) and digital wallpapers!
3 items included
Digital Copy of the Game Quantity: 1
High-Resolution Digital Wallpapers Quantity: 1
Invitation to Virtual Community Launch Party Quantity: 1

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Current Mood: excited

conuly posting in

agonyaunt

Dear Meghan: Our 11-year-old daughter is not motivated by personal hygiene. She will shower when reminded to, but she does not wash her hair effectively (I still have to wash it for her sometimes to make sure it gets clean). She is in puberty and is starting to get pimples on her face, but she will not wash her face at night unless I basically walk her into the bathroom and do it with her. When she brushes her teeth in the morning, she still has morning breath afterward, so clearly is not doing an effective job.

I am at a loss. We have worked with her and, frankly, nagged her for years, and I’m just tired of it. Is this developmentally appropriate? We do not believe she is neurodivergent, and she’s a great kid — smart, social and involved in a lot of activities. I don’t understand this refusal to do the basics of effective personal hygiene. The approach we’ve been taking is clearly not working, so I would love some advice. Thank you!

— Nagging Not Working

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conuly posting in

agonyaunt

Dear Carolyn: I made the horrible mistake of developing a relationship with a parent of one of my child’s friends that ultimately led to me cheating on my boyfriend of two years. The affair lasted about two months. My boyfriend found out and confronted me about two months ago, at which point I owned up to it, albeit after much resistance and hedging on my part.

The affair is over because my affair partner broke up with me upon finding out I had not broken up with my boyfriend as he had demanded. I want very much to repair things with my boyfriend. This whole experience has shown me how artificial the affair was and how I was willing to throw away my relationship for what was ultimately a facade.

The past two months have been hell — being insulted and called horrible names, constant sarcasm, throwing things I’ve said back in my face, refusal to hear my apologies, etc. My boyfriend has since started dating other people after telling me he’s going to do to me what I did to him: try other people out. How long do I keep fighting to fix this and make amends? At this point, I just agree with everything he says about the affair, even if it’s not true, just to avoid another daily argument. My hope is almost gone, I’m defeated, and he seems to take joy in being mean and hurtful toward me. Do I cut my losses? When I ask him if he even wants to try to repair this, he flips the question back on me.
— “I’m so sorry, but please stop beating me up”

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ysabetwordsmith posting in

gardening

I enjoy growing dark-colored plants. I have black flowers, bronze leaves, black fruits, all kinds of interesting things.

( Walk with me ... )

Current Mood: accomplished

minoanmiss posting in

agonyaunt

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conuly posting in

agonyaunt

Dear Pay Dirt,

My brother and his wife recently bought a broken-down house. They asked my husband, who runs his own construction company, for a quote to fix it up. My sister-in-law brightly chimed in, “and we expect the friends and family rate.” Well, my husband immediately drew a hard line.

He responded that he would prefer not to engage in a business agreement with family, as it can lead to misunderstandings, and he recommended another company. Well, my sister-in-law completely lost her mind.

She screamed at him and said that they would never have bought the property if they knew he wasn’t going to help them. It seems that they, without any encouragement, expected him to offer his services at a significant discount and are now in a bind because they cannot afford the reconstruction and will make a huge loss if they sell.

Now my entire family is being drawn into a massively acrimonious discussion. My brother and sister-in-law are claiming we “betrayed them” and left them bankrupt. I get daily calls from my weeping mother begging my husband to reconsider, while my father has threatened to beat him up. It’s insane. I don’t want to lose my family, and I can’t ask my husband to change his mind, so what do I do?

—Built on Sand

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conuly posting in

agonyaunt

Dear Eric: My husband and I have been estranged from our 17-year-old granddaughter for eight years. We were loving, supportive grandparents but after the mother of our granddaughter broke up with our son, the father, she stopped our granddaughter from seeing us as well.

For eight years, I have tried to keep contact with our granddaughter with gifts and cards on her birthday, Christmas and other times. I do not receive a response of any kind from her. We believe her mother forbids her from contacting us.

My question is should I continue to send cards and gifts to her? I’m ready to stop. I don’t want her to forget us but I’m very tired of attempting to reach out to her with no response.

– Estranged Gramma

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conuly posting in

agonyaunt

Dear Eric: I’m married with four kids and have a sizable extended family. One son, who is in seventh grade, runs track and finished the season with personal records in his events, which also happen to place second in his school’s all-time best records.

I sent out a family text to all of our extended family raving about his achievements. This is common amongst all of the aunts and uncles. We got a load of congrats. However, my husband’s brother side-texted my eldest daughter, “tell your brother to stop being first loser.” (He did not text any “congrats” to the group text.)

My daughter showed me the text and chuckled. I’m not sure if she showed my son. I’m so deeply angry about this. I know that everyone will tell me he was joking. Or that I’m misinterpreting his meaning. I just cannot get over it.

My initial feeling is to keep my son as far away from his uncle as possible for the rest of his life. My second feeling is to call said uncle to tell him he is a complete loser himself (which would be super biting as he just got laid off, has to sell his house and downsize everything). I know I won’t do either but I am having a hard time imagining being around him this summer as our families usually get together each summer for a few days.

How do I express by complete disdain for his comments without upsetting the entire extended family? Am I being oversensitive?

– Second to None

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ysabetwordsmith posting in

gardening

Today I started making liquid fertilizer from Russian comfrey. Begin with Part 1: Jugs. With those done, I harvested leaves.

( Walk with me ... )

Current Mood: accomplished

ysabetwordsmith posting in

gardening

Today I started making liquid fertilizer from Russian comfrey. This plant fills a lot of guild roles in permaculture including fertilizer, miner, mulcher, protector, attractor. I have been using it primarily as a bee plant that I can also slash-and-drop several times a season. I grow it under many of my trees and there's some in the prairie garden too.

There are various ways to make liquid fertilizer from comfrey. I will be testing two: 1) a small amount of comfrey leaves in a large amount of water, and 2) only comfrey leaves crammed tightly in a jug. (See Part 2: Leaves.)

( Walk with me ... )

Current Mood: accomplished

rebeccmeister posting in

gardening

(updated and cross-posted from my blog)

My newest mulch pile:

I only recently got a wood chipper, and I am so happy to be able to mulch small branches at home now!

Lovely little flowers on the French lavender:

I have a dahlia I call the Dark Dahlia, which is behind the lavender, under some rhubarb leaves, just starting to come up. This is most exciting because I wasn't sure if I got it out of the ground in time last fall/winter.

The wine barrel tomato plants are getting much bigger, and have some flowers going:

Some of the ripe strawberries (while walking my cat Martha):

Yummy strawberry-arugula salad! Needed more strawberries. Next time.

minoanmiss posting in

agonyaunt

I Left My 2-Year-Old Alone With My Husband for 15 Minutes. The Aftermath Might Haunt My Marriage Forever.

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minoanmiss posting in

agonyaunt

Help! My Husband’s Best Man Made a Stunning Admission During His Wedding Speech. I Might Never Get Over It.

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grimmrow posting in

crowdfunding

( You're about to view content that the poster has marked as potentially inappropriate for anyone under the age of 18. )

Current Mood: chipper
Current Location: ohio
Current Music: why do you get all the love in the world - nine inch nails

conuly posting in

agonyaunt

Link

1. Dear Care and Feeding,

I work from home. My kids are 8 and 12. When they were little, we hired a sitter to watch them on the random days off from school, but they don’t really need a sitter now.

For holidays when they are off and I’m working, my husband and I agreed to a set of rules for them: If the kids help with two small chores, read for 30 minutes, and play outside all before noon, then they can have screen time. The kids reluctantly agreed to this policy.

But they still demand my time. They will complete the list above, then ask to FaceTime with a grandparent (a clever loophole). They come into my office whining that they are bored. They are old enough to help themselves to snacks, but if I don’t supervise, they will eat everything before lunch. I make and serve lunch. Even after lunch, they play on their tablets and mindlessly snack. If they ate everything earlier, they come to my office whining for more snacks.

I feel like my husband is taking advantage of my work-from-home job. I feel like my work and time come second to his. I would like to have a full day off the weekend after one of the school holidays. A day when no one asks me for food or entertainment or a ride somewhere. A day when I’m not picking up after everyone. I don’t need a spa day; I need a day to myself. My husband says that’s not fair because his job doesn’t have working from home as an option, and I can’t just “quit parenting for a day.”

—Holidays Are Not Days Off

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2. Dear Care and Feeding,

When should I let my daughter learn lessons on her own? My daughter “Chloe” is 12 years old. She recently went with her two closest friends to the zoo. She really wanted to wear a summer dress and white sandals and tried to leave the house without wearing sunscreen.

I talked to Chloe and made her go wearing sunscreen, and also shoes that would be better for walking on the dirt paths at the zoo (I couldn’t change her mind about the dress, so I picked my battles). But I’m not sure I like doing that.

She’s 12 now, and none of the consequences would have been disastrous. The next time something like this comes up, should I just let her make her mistakes and experience the consequences?

—When to Intervene

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Kake's Reading List

I know what I think, but I honestly don't know what anybody else will think

(no subject)

E-cards

Two letters to Eric

Creative Jam

New Crowdfunding Project: "Take Us North"

(no subject)

(no subject)

Photos: Dark Gardening

Ask a Manager: May I Roundfile Male BYU Grad Applicants?

(no subject)

(no subject)

(no subject)

How to Make Comfrey Liquid Fertilizer Part 2: Leaves

How to Make Comfrey Liquid Fertilizer Part 1: Jugs

June garden updates from Albany, NY

Care & Feeding: Wandering Toddler

Dear Prudence: Wedding Toast Blunder

Hello there!

One column, two letters

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December 2012

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